The Best Intentions Are Seldom Enough
My parents aren't talking to me becuse I went all the way to New Jersey and back without meeting up with them. Now I understand this, and I feel really bad that I couldn't see them but how do I explain to them that with workshops, concert preparations, concerts we were left with roughly fifteen hours of sleep for 4 days and that even if I had tried there was no way for me to meet up with them. That knowing this, I did not try more than once to reach them (when I left an apologetic and regretful message on their machine because I couldn't see them), because I thought it was enough to let them know that I was there. But no. No, ofcourse not.
*sigh*
It just hurts because I try as hard as possible to make my parents happy and proud of me, and still they find things to complain about. I'm very open with them about my social and love life, my thouhts and feelings on philosophical, religious, social issues... much more than any Bangali kid I know atleast. I would think this would make them think that I value their relationship with me, and love spending time with them. But no. No, OFCOURSE not. Because I went to the states to primarily see a couple of concerts, meet some new people and experience some new things, and did not have time to see them, and even though I saw them five days prior to this, it means that I do not care about them and music is making me love and respect them less.
They called me while I was in the middle of writing this blog and we had a big fatafati. Despite me telling them I was sorry and hadn't meant to hurt them, and realised what I had wrong and would try and not make the same mistakes next time they still had to lecture me for 36 minutes about how much I don't care about them. In the end my dad said, if you've hurt us we have a right to tell you how we feel even if you're sorry. And even though I understand that, it still hurts, and I still haven't been able to stop crying.
posted by goBgoB at 8:38 p.m.
4 Comments:
The tragedy of Bengali parents' is that they want to believe that if their children fullfill all their unresonable demands that it will keep them on the right track. It's their way of moral guidance using emotional blackmail; casue when their children grow up it's the only weapon they have. Unfortunately this leads in the long run to too much emotional turmoil that can only be resolved by the kid either lying or breaking down emotionally. Neither way is good. Wish I could give you something more optmistic to hold onto.
The one silver lining in all this is after the emotional breakdown does happen - when the kid absolutely stops listening to everything the parent says - the parents become more generous. It's at this stage that they realise that they can't act as parents no more but as close friends. One can only pray that this stage is realised before too much damage is done.
3:55 a.m.
Very true. A similar thing happened at my home yesterday because it turns out that apparently I've NEVER done anythign right in my entire life without their help, not even dressing properly. Yes, parents have a right to give their opinion but they don not always have the right to give out demands. It's not that we dont' love and respect them, but we're now adults in our own rights and we need some respect back. And some acknowledgement that we make our decisions rightly (at least sometimes). Anonymous is right - parents think that their emotional blackmail is the only way they can hold on to us,but that's not true! Aargh-- sorry Ipshi, i can't make you feel better but I'm sending as many hugz and good vibes your way as I can ! mwah.
4:35 a.m.
*Hugz*
I can't anything more than what the above two posts already have, really well I must say.
Don't let this upset you. Remember:
1) the older they get, the more emotional they become
(unfortunately we can't do anything about that).
2) in your heart, you know how you feel about your parents and I"m sure they know too and that would not change for this incident.
Trust parents to make mountains out of molehills, it happens in my house a gazillion times everyday!
Bengalis are too emotional.
--Ripa
5:45 a.m.
Thanks for the comments guys. I think the root of the problem is that parents have a really hard time letting go. My parents have never had qualms about me going to sitar class via a 2.5 hour commute from mississauga to downtown when I was 15 and coming home at 1 (well, ok, they did complain a little) or having a pakistani boyfriend or choosing to major in something that isn't considered a subject for "bhalo students". As I've written in previous posts I've been to sitar camps and workshops and all I've ever told them was, hey I'm going so don't expect to reach me by phone, I'll call you when I'm back. And they've been completely fine with it. I think what they're upset about is that I was so close to them and didn't rush at the first chance to see them. I think it's hard for parents to realise that things other than family can come up in life that are very important, and that doesn't necessarily make family relationships less important but sometimes the two can't mix. I went to learn and experience things this weekend, NOT to see my parents, and this is something that they can't fathom. The thing is, what they think is right, I didn't feel the burning need ot see them because I went for a completely different reason, so I don't know how to console them or make them understand that I don't NOT love them.
12:24 p.m.
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