what am i to do?

I've been away since the 14th of this month, and just got back 2 nights ago.  I went to a 4-day long Shibir for sitar first.  What's IS a shibir you ask?  Well, lemme think... it's usually a 3-4 day long music camp of sorts but there's a lot more to it.  It is deeply rooted in Indian (Southeast asian, let's just say brown) culture.  It involves learning music, as well as customs, accepted behaviour around your Ustad, cooking (with lots of oil, preferably ghee and chilli), the language, friendship, understanding, being physically and mentally tried from practising and realising again and again how far you've still got to go.  This Shibir was mingled with laughter, and happiness.  It was the first shibir that I wasn't doubling over with pain, and instead actuallydid the normal things by improving by the end of it!  This Shibir was also special because I finally worked up the courage to speak to Ustadji in Urdu from now on.  The past few shibirs have reduced me to anguished tears because of how frusterated I was at not being able to play, and I had thought that I wouldn't cry this time.  But whaddya know - music being as emotionaly trying as it is saw me crying on the last day because I was so sad that the shibir was over!  hehe :P 

Well, to my utmost joy, a Chilla took place only 2 days later.  A Chilla is traditionally a kind of spiritual retreat done by muslims which lasts for 40 days (but it can last longer if one chooses).  In the past, sufis have gone on chillas for music, as that is their way of reaching out to god.  Many Ustads in the past and present (non sufis) have gone on musical/spiritual chillas, some of who include Ustad Vilayat Khan and Ustad Zakir Hussain.  The decorum includes praying 5 times a day, being mentally and physically "clean" and concentrating on Riyaz (practice, rather than learning) for the duration of the chilla, choosing one spot of earth/floor where you will sit and play/eat/drink during the chilla.  each day you start of making a niyut, kind of like a  promise to God that I will play for this many hours today and it's bad luck if you don't follow through with it etc etc.  I read this paragraph over and it seems devoid of all the meaning and emotion that I felt in all the things that we did.  It seemed amazing to be thinking of music as a means of connection to GOd, that whatever I play is an extension of God.  It was a pain in the ass to wake up at 5 every day for Fajr Prayers but it was a beautiful experience even though I don't know how to do namaz, I just sat down with the Jewish Violinist and Hindu Tabla player and we all prayed to God in our own ways to make our chilla successful and to help us become the best musicians we can be.  Our Chilla lasted 7 days, and I have come out of it more certain than ever that Sitar is what I want to do for the rest of my life, I just have to figure out how I'm going to do it. :D